praying for my beautiful letdown

Walls aren’t just used to isolate. Walls can be painted on with pretty pictures. They can conceal what’s going on behind them.

Something I’ve been struggling with lately is what feels like two-facedness. And I think I’ve been struggling with it for a while. Growing up in the church, I was always known as the “goodie-two-shoes”, the “innocent one”. While friends started trickling out of church as high school and college progressed, I remained serving and going to service every Sunday. I guess people would see this as admirable, that I was still the “good girl”. Even at school, some people assume that I have my act together. They can’t ever imagine me doing things most would consider “bad”. And for a time, I believed what people were saying. Somehow I started to think I was more faithful, more wise, more calm than other people. What I’ve only began to realize recently is that in actuality, to be blunt, I do not have my shit together. What aren’t seen as outward flaws are the inner workings of my thoughts and heart. I have my doubts. I condemn people in my heart. I rage. I am proud. I am prone to lust. I am constantly anxious. Bottom line is, I’m not as “good” as I thought I was. I used other people’s assumptions of me to judge my heart, when really…really only God knows what’s really going on behind the walls. He sees the ugly parts of me and instead of stepping back and gasping in shock, He takes me in His arms. Dang. “How deep the Father’s love for us that he would make a wretch His treasure!” He still loves this prideful thing, and that by itself is immensely humbling. I can only pray that He breaks down these walls in time and somehow in the process show the real me, and yet show that I am still in need of a Savior.